Examining The Empathy Trap Book 6

This is one post in a series about The Empathy Trap Book by Dr Jane McGregor and Tim McGregor. Unless stated otherwise all quotes used here are from that book. It is recommended that the series be read in order from the first post on. 

Next the authors took on coping in the aftermath of a destructive relationship.

 "Witnessing sociopathic abuse

So what should you do if you are aware that sociopathic abuse is taking place?" 

(page 56)

 "Apathy equates to collusion, so turning a blind eye is no option for a person of integrity.

Yet, in reality, many of us do find it hard to get involved. One of the barriers to speaking out is that sociopaths often work on evoking other people's pity."

 (page 56 -57)

 "The best advice is not to listen. In The Sociopath Next Door, Martha Stout stresses that while there is still interaction between you and the sociopath, it is best to resist the temptation to join in his games. Trying to outsmart the sociopath or getting into arguments with him reduces you to his level - and distracts you from the task of protecting yourself. It is better to resist a showdown with a sociopath at all costs. In such situations his drive to win sets in. The best way to protect yourself is to avoid him, and refuse any kind of contact or communication. Sociopaths feel no obligation to you or anyone else. To keep a sociopath in your life is therefore to put yourself at risk of harm." (page 57)

 "If total avoidance is out of the question, for instance if the sociopath is someone you work with, limit contact as much as possible. Above all, make the rules of engagement ones that are right for you and then do your utmost to stick to them."

 (page 57)

 "At some point most of us learn we cannot control other people's behaviour. This is important to keep at the forefront of your mind, as is the crucial point that the sociopath's behaviour is not your fault. It is far better to concentrate on your own behaviour and with sorting out your own life than to bother with things you can't change." (page 58)

 "Identifying the problem can seem a mammoth task at first. In the aftermath of sociopathic abuse individuals can feel such an extreme sense of anxiety and confusion that they no longer trust their own judgement. Entering a sociopathic relationship is a one-sided and isolating experience. On exiting a sociopathic relationship the isolation can be magnified as abused person withdraws from social activities and becomes cut off from support. This is often the result of the immense shame abused people feel on account of their disempowerment, and their maltreatment by the sociopath in their lives." (page 59)

I have written quite a bit about the use of anxiety and confusion in Scientology to control people and it fits perfectly with understanding that sociopathic behaviour, whether from an individual or an organization can leave one anxious and confused. 

Next the authors took on a topic that I have to say is deeply relevant to me personally and I think for many ex Scientologists, especially children raised in Scientology, may also apply.

I found the following to be one of the most accurate and spot on descriptions of my personal circumstances as anything I have ever seen.

 "Shame

In our experience, shame is the greatest barrier for individuals trying to move on. Shame and a growing wariness of others can make it hard for such people to open up about the true extent of their unhappy situation. The situation becomes more desperate if earlier attempts to gain understanding have been met with incredulity. Wariness coupled with deep and toxic shame can render the abused person inactive. Children, for instance, often learn from bitter experience that telling someone else about abuse at home can result in negative, even detrimental reactions.

Most of the time shame is a normal and healthy human emotion. A healthy sense of shame keeps our feet on the ground, and reminds us of the boundaries. We are human and we make mistakes. Feeling shame is giving ourselves permission to be human. A healthy amount of shame can deepen our sense of personal power, helping us to recognize our limits and learn to redirect our energies to more fruitful pursuits. But too much shame can be harmful and demoralizing. John Bradshaw, author of Healing the Shame that Binds You, calls this toxic shame and argues that it can become a central part of oneself, leading to profound feelings of isolation. It is internalized emotion that can lead us to feel defective, beyond remedy.

It is not uncommon for people who have experienced the shame and deprivation that goes with having a sociopath in the family to face difficulties in their adult relationships. Individuals who have experienced trauma at the hands of a sociopath in childhood may unwittingly seek out or attract needy and narcissistic types of people in adulthood. Shame in the children of sociopaths can be intense and hard to shake off, for it originates from the trauma of abandonment as a child.

In her powerful book, The Drama of the Gifted Child, Alice Miller describes the notion of abandonment trauma. This type of trauma occurs when damage is caused as a result of something not happening to an individual (for example not feeling loved, nurtured or protected). We can't do justice to Alice Miller's body of work in such a short book as this, but we do recommend those interested to read her work (see 'Further reading and resources'). In essence, being abandoned by a sociopathic parent who is physically present but emotionally absent can leave a child bewildered to the point of despair. In order to develop as healthy human beings, children need to mirror the actions of an adult carer who is both physically and emotionally present. A baby is completely dependent on its parents and the parents'love and care is essential. Denied his or her basic needs, a child must find ways to not be abandoned. Many children in this situation try to reverse the natural order: they take care of their parents, as opposed to the other way round. But this often leads to a paradoxical situation where the child is nevertheless abandoned.

Many children of sociopathic, neglectful parents try to make recompense by becoming caregivers. This can lead to excessive concern with pleasing and paying disproportionate attention to the care of others, at the expense of a proper concentration on oneself. Overwhelmingly, the children or partners of sociopaths tend to put others'needs first. They may feel they deserve the pain and trauma that goes with living with a sociopath; they usually rationalize that, after all, it was they and no one else that got them into this mess. This sort of thinking has a circularity about it, and if not interrupted and eventually terminated may drive a person near crazy. " (page 59-61)

I have written about the fact that I was in Scientology for twenty five years, from the age of 17 to 42, starting probably in 1988 until 2014. I have avoided writing about my life in extreme detail before Scientology for the most part.

To understand how I have been able to have their insight into this particular part of the book I think I simply am going to have to let the cat out of the bag. I have avoided writing about my life before Scientology for a variety of reasons. 

I am a firm believer in the idea that cult expert Margaret Singer, who interviewed over four thousand ex cult members over decades of work, expressed. She believed that cults recruit all kinds of people and that cult members are not especially stupid, gullible, crazy or unusual. They are people who can be lied to, which is all of us.

My life before Scientology is not a story that supports this valid claim, so I have been reluctant to share it, as believers in the idea that cult members are unusual may clamp onto this as if it validates a theory, but one anecdote, one life, is not representative of people who join cults, not by a long shot. 

I wrote My Life Before Scientology after reading this section on shame and felt that I was finally ready. (That is posted at Mockingbird's Nest blog on Scientology and ESMB redux)

It details my childhood and the role that sociopathic abuse and the resulting shame have played in my life.