Examining The Empathy Trap Book 4

This is one post in a series about The Empathy Trap Book by Dr Jane McGregor and Tim McGregor. Unless stated otherwise all quotes used here are from that book. It is recommended that the series be read in order from the first post on. 

Next the authors took on gaslighting. I have read thirty or so books on psychology and coercive persuasion and was familiar with gaslighting but the authors went to such lengths to elaborate on gaslighting that it led me to some important new conclusions.

I am going to present a good amount of their statements on gaslighting, because the information is so vital to me and necessary to explain my conclusions.

 "The 'gaslighting' effect and how it works

Let's now explain the sociopath's standard mode of operation. According to Martha Stout, sociopaths frequently use gaslighting tactics." (page 48)

 "Gaslighting is the systemic attempt by one person to erode another's reality. The syndrome gets its name from the 1938 stage play Gas Light (originally known as Angel Street in the USA), and the 1940 and 1944 film adaptations. The 1944 film Gaslight features a murderer who attempts to make his wife doubt her sanity. He uses a variety of tricks to convince her that she is crazy, so she won't be believed when she reports the strange things that are genuinely occurring, including the dimming of the gas lamps in the house (which happens when her husband turns on the normally unused gas lamps in the attic to conduct clandestine activities there). The term has since found its way into clinical and research literature.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented in such a way as to make the target doubt his or her own memory and perception. Psychologists call this, rather incongruously, 'the sociopath's dance'. It may simply involve the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, or it could be the staging of strange events intended to disorientate the target. In any event event, the effect of gaslighting is to arouse such an extreme sense of anxiety and confusion in the target that he reaches the point where he no longer trusts his own judgement. The techniques are similar to those used in brainwashing, interrogation and torture, the instruments of psychological warfare. This is Machiavellian behaviour of the worst kind. A target exposed to it for long enough loses her sense of her own self. She finds herself second-guessing her own memory, becomes depressed and withdrawn and totally dependent on the abuser for her sense of reality.

Gaslighting is a deliberate ploy that occurs between one individual (The gaslighter - the sociopath in our case) and another (The gaslightee, often an empath). The endgame for the sociopath is when the gaslightee thinks he is going crazy. Anyone can become the victim of a sociopath's gaslighting moves. Gaslighting can take place in any kind of relationship - between parent and child, between siblings or friends, or between groups of people including work colleagues. Going back to our analogy of the Emperor's New Clothes, it is the process of gaslighting that distorts our sense of reality and makes us disbelieve what we see. Even when the victim is bewildered there is a reluctance to see the gaslighter for what he is. Denial is essential for gaslighting to work. 

Psychotherapist Christine Louis de Canonville describes different phases that the abuser leads the relationship through: different phases that the abuser leads the relationship through: the Idealization stage, the devaluation stage, and the discarding stage. Gaslighting does not happen all at once, so if you suspect in the early stages of a relationship that you are being gaslighted, you can protect yourself by walking away. (page 48 -49)

"The Idealization stage

During this early stage the sociopath shows herself in the best possible light. But this phase is an illusion. The sociopath intends only to draw her target in. At the beginning of the relationship she is usually ultra-attentive, charming, energetic, exciting and great fun. If the context is a new romantic relationship, the targeted person may feel he loves the sociopath intensely. It can feel like an addictive or hypnotic sort of love. Caught up in the euphoria, he becomes hooked. If the context is a friendship, the person targeted may feel she has never in her life met anyone with whom she has more in common. In the workplace, the person may feel she has finally found a boss who sees her true potential. The target does all he or she can to gain the sociopath's special approval. The boss might tempt him along with words to the effect of 'I see a lot of me in you'.

The devaluation stage

Once the sociopath has assessed the target's strengths and weaknesses, the first phase is over and the devaluation stage begins. From here on in, the sociopath is cold and unfeeling. This phase begins gradually so the targeted person is not alert to the transformation. Nevertheless at some point it will begin to seem to the target that he can't do anything right. She feels devalued at every turn. Totally confused, the targeted person becomes increasingly stressed, unhappy, low in mood or depressed. The gaslighting effect is under way. Confused by the sociopath's behaviour, the targeted person tries harder to please his sociopathic abuser in order to get the relationship back on track. But no matter what he does, he only seems to cause the sociopath further injury. The target gets caught up in a spiral of sociopathic abuse where unpredictably and uncertainty are routinu, until finally he becomes a shadow of his former self. The paradox of the situation is that the more distressed the target becomes, the more the sociopath enjoys the power of the situation, and the more powerful she feels, the more blatant and extreme her abuse becomes. 

Devaluation, according to Louis de Canonville, can be delivered through many different forms and levels of attack. The targeted person has been conditioned, appearing in all intents and purposes to the outside world to be a willing partner in the sociopath's games. If he does manage to escape the sociopathic individual, he is at high risk of future entrapment by other sociopaths, because he is primed in a way that other sociopaths can spot.

The discarding stage

In the discarding stage, the game comes to its conclusion. By this time the sociopath has lost her ardour for the game, for she views the contest as already won. The target is reduced to an object, something to which the sociopath is totally indifferent; it is as if the targeted individual no longer exists. The targeted person on the other hand is left confused and raw with emotion. In the context of a romantic association he may scramble around trying to find a way to rescue the dying relationship. But the sociopath resists all attempts to re-establish any connection, using bullying tactics such as silence or coldness in retaliation; she is probably already making moves to secure her next target. " (page 50 - 51)