Examining The Empathy Trap Book 10

This is one post in a series about The Empathy Trap Book by Dr Jane McGregor and Tim McGregor. Unless stated otherwise all quotes used here are from that book. It is recommended that the series be read in order from the first post on. 

Next the authors took on dealing with complex family situations.

I wanted to include a bit of this material as it relates to several relevant topics in my mind. It is important for me personally in examining the dynamics of my own home and childhood. It is important for examining the dynamics of cults as they have similar qualities to abusive relationships.

The more I have looked at material on cults and abusive relationships the more overlap I have come to find.

 "It is hard to accept this uncomfortable truth, but sociopaths don't love their children for themselves. Instead they view them as objects of manipulation. A non-sociopathic parent can thus be dealt a double blow at the hands of his or her former partner, and experience secondary trauma (a common term for the stress resulting from helping or wanting to help a traumatized or suffering person) whenever children or other loved ones are involved." (page 103)

 "Being the partner of a sociopathic parent is like living on a minefield. On the whole sociopaths make poor parents. At best, they view their children as prized possessions. At worst, they actively try to corrupt them. In his book Without Conscience, Robert Hare states that sociopaths see children as an inconvenience. This indifference to their welfare takes many forms. They may leave young children alone or in the care of unreliable babysitters or fail to provide them with proper food and clothing. They may demand certain behaviours or accomplishments for their own benefit. They may inflict physical and emotional abuse, or desperately try to corrupt a child through inappropriate or dangerous activities. So, when a sociopath is involved with children, always be on guard."

 (page 103-104)

 "In light of this, the less interaction a sociopath has with his or her children the better, however harsh and unnatural this seems." (page 104)

 "Many children eventually sense that there is no real bond between them and the sociopathic parent but it is, and will continue to be, a confusing and disturbing relationship for them." (page 104)

 "Do not accept into your life anything or anyone that you don't want your children exposed to." (page 104)

 "For children with one or more sociopathic parents it often takes years to come to terms with or understand their situation. Some never come to terms with it, or 'see' the reality of their circumstances. Indeed, in our experience it is not uncommon for children of sociopaths to reach a level of maturity, perhaps middle age, before they gain any proper understanding of their experiences." (page 106)

I had to make it to middle age and work a lot on both learning about psychology, human predators and abusive relationships and work on recovery from Scientology for years to be ready to examine the reality of my childhood. No one wants to realize that they had no parent who loved them and it will never change. 

 

 "In her powerful book The Body Never Lies, Alice Miller notes that the parent or primary carer is to blame for any damage he inflicts upon his child, and must take full responsibility for participation in the abuse. Sociopaths don't own up or take responsibility for the abuse they inflict upon others, but they must be held responsible all the same. And if other adults are involved in some way, albeit in not acting on an accusation of abuse or failing to 'see' the abuse, they must be held accountable for their inaction and negligence. Everyone who turns a blind eye to abuse of a child, is to some extent, blameworthy." (page 107)

Here is a bit of poignant information on many fronts. I am someone who has experienced tremendous regret over hurting others emotionally, physically and psychologically. 

The reality of having harmed others has bothered me and if Alice Miller is correct, that leaves me outside the realm of the sociopaths. It also is useful for children of sociopaths to understand that if they regret doing harm to others they are not sociopaths. Many people who are brought up with one or more sociopathic parents are scared they can be sociopaths too. But the children should not worry about this if they care about the welfare of other people, if they regret when they harm others that is an important thing to focus on. 

People raised in cults similarly have often experienced sociopathic abuse and may worry they are sociopathic. The same facts apply to them.

I used to read about people who were raised by a parent or parents who never loved them and thought a lot of these people were grossly exaggerating. But now I understand that they had to realize the truth about the childhood they experienced and come to terms with the fact that they never had any love from their parents, because I had to face the same harsh truth.