Examining The Empathy Trap Book 5

This is one post in a series about The Empathy Trap Book by Dr Jane McGregor and Tim McGregor. Unless stated otherwise all quotes used here are from that book. It is recommended that the series be read in order from the first post on. 

Next the authors took on this from another perspective.

"The effects of gaslighting from the targeted person's point of view

During the process of gaslighting, the targeted person usually goes through some recognizable emotional and psychological states of mind. Psychologist Dr Robin Stern describes three stages those targeted go through: disbelief, defence and depression.

Disbelief

The targeted person's initial reaction to gaslighting behaviour is one of complete disbelief; he cannot believe the sudden change towards him, or that he is being gaslighted. All he knows is that something terribly distressing seems to be happening, but he can't figure out what. Blinded by the sociopath's promises or affections, the targeted person naturally trusts that his friendship or love is returned, but of course, this belief is based upon falsehood. In consequence the sociopath offers no sympathy or support when the target seeks to put the relationship right. Gaslighting doesn't need to be severe in order to have stark effects on the gaslighted person. It can be as subtle as being told 'You are so sensitive ' or having it suggested that you are incapable: for example, 'You can't do that. You'll have to leave it to me.' Even though the targeted person knows on a rational level that these statements are untrue, his confidence is so eroded that he can't trust his own view. In extreme cases, those desperate for reassurance that they're not going mad become very dependent on their abuser for a sense of reality.

Defence

In the early stages of the devaluation phase the targeted person still has the emotional wherewithal to defend himself against the manipulation. However, at some point he is thrown off balance by creeping self-doubt, anxiety and guilt. Becoming bewildered and unable to trust his own instincts or memory, he tends to isolate himself because of the shame he feels. Eventually he is left unable to defend himself from the unbearable gaslighting effect.

One psychological condition that can result is called Stockholm syndrome. This got its name from a 1973 bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden, when four bank employees were strapped in dynamite and locked in a vault. Much to their rescuers' surprises, the hostages developed more trust in their captors than in the police who were trying to rescue them. The term was subsequently coined by Swedish psychiatrist and criminologist Nils Bejerot, who was involved in the case. Stockholm syndrome can occur in situations where people find themselves held captive and in fear of their lives - not only thanks to sociopathic abuse but in kidnapping and hostage situations. It refers to the way in which someone in such a situation may bond with his or her captor as a defence mechanism - what is technically known as trauma bonding. In order to cope with the discomfort of living in such madness and chaos, the targeted person - and apaths too if they are involved long enough - cope by rationalizing and excusing the sociopath's behaviour in order to reduce the conflict they are experiencing. Louis de Canonville calls it a 'clever but complicated unconscious' self-preservation strategy.

Depression

By the time someone has been systematically gaslighted, he hardly recognizes himself. In fact many such people become a shadow of their former selves. They begin to feel that they can't do anything right any more, that they don't feel that they can trust their own mind or trust the opinion of others. So they withdraw into a distorted version of what is really taking place. Some escape into a constant low mood or depression. Depression is different from normal sadness - it is worse, as it affects the person's physical health and it goes on for longer. A lot of people who have been gaslit for a sustained period in this way go on to experience post-traumatic stress disorder (see chapter 5 for more on this). This is especially true of children of sociopathic parents.

In the aftermath of sociopathic abuse people may experience an array of responses - shock, disbelief, deep sadness, guilt, shame, anger, fear, loneliness and an array of physical symptoms including panic attacks, flashbacks, anxious thoughts, fatigue and dissociation - although many also express relief at finally knowing what has been going on. Confidence erosion is another symptom that follows gaslighting. Gaslighted individuals live in fear of doing the wrong thing and making their situation even more dangerous. They become more cautious and doubt themselves. This often affects how they make decisions in their life. They commonly ask 'Am I too sensitive?' , 'Why do I attract people like this?' or 'Am I to blame?'

Shame and blame are the hallmarks of gaslighting. The targeted person may become hyper-sensitive after the constant humiliation. He hears countless times from the sociopath and her foot-soldier apaths that he is 'too sensitive', so over time he begins to believe these lies about himself.

Another negative side effect of gaslighting is that the targeted person finds himself always apologizing, even for her very existence. This is, to all intents and purposes, a way of avoiding more conflict with the sociopath. Many children of sociopathic parents have a tendency to do this. It is not an act of politeness. Rather, as Christine Louis de Canonville argues, it is a powerful strategy for staying safe, and a means

 of disarming the sociopath. 

One more knock-on effect that must be faced as a result of having experienced gaslighting is the resulting joylessness, a melancholic view of life. Many people who have experienced the traumatic effects of gaslighting go through such physical and mental tortures that they suffer a personality change. They may end up feeling confused, lonely, frightened and unhappy. But rather than expose their vulnerability they hold on to it and keep their feelings in. Targeted individuals often experience great shame about their situation. When well-meaning friends and family members show concern or ask whether they are OK, they avoid further pain.

Shame in sociopathic abuse is a difficult issue. The shame that a targeted person feels is a normal response to the sense of failure she feels as a result of her inability to protect herself (and her dependents) from abuse. In addition, other people often have a 'blame the victim' mentality or take the attitude that the targeted person should 'just get over it', both of which demoralize the individual concerned. This shame can be interpreted by others as defensiveness, but in reality it is likely that the individual wishes to withdraw and socially isolate herself out of fear and lack of trust of others.

Some people who have been gaslighted also experience difficulty in making decisions. Having to ask permission to do anything, not being allowed to express their own opinion, never being able to win an argument, constantly being chastised and humiliated, contributes to a loss of their autonomy, even their ability to make decisions for themselves. Many individuals recovering from sociopathic abuse adopt 'people pleasing' behaviour as a way of coping and dealing with others. The reason is that, as a defence mechanism, the targeted person has become conditioned to please the sociopath. Sadly, the only person the targeted empath does not set out to please is himself. The behavioural and emotional difficulties that follow abuse at the hands of a sociopath mean that, for the unfortunate few who have endured years of such abuse, life can seem rather hopeless. " (page 51-55)

I included so much for a few reasons. The exact descriptions they gave are so spot on, so accurate and thorough I didn't want to leave anything out. I feel that a lot of ex Scientologists (but certainly not all) got these descriptions and can use the information to reflect on their own lives and additionally the lives of other ex Scientologists. I am offering this so people can see if it is or could be right for them or others they know.

I feel that for myself it is profoundly accurate. I could go on at considerable length and go through it bit by bit but suffice it to say that I can check every box for everything here.