The Thousand Deaths

 



I recently saw Going Clear and was struck by the scene where Marty Rathbun spoke of dying so many deaths he doesn't know how many more he has in him . I also was reading the superb book Cults Inside Out by Rick Allen Ross and read of exits costs for leaving cults . Very similar concepts .

 Now I personally have been working on my recovery for over a year and can say I have run into something similar to Marty Rathbun's statement. I want to  reference something cult expert Margaret Singer said that explains what coming out of a cult is like . In one of her excellent video interviews on coming out of a cult she talked about how a cult member will talk about experiences , perhaps even compulsively , and disturbingly not show emotions appropriate to the content of their comments .

Now I' ve read enough about abuse and trauma to understand that trauma occurred and denial and dissociation and regression and projection can hide it theoretically in the subconscious away from the conscious mind . So , I was in complete agreement when Doctor Singer said those feelings people should be having are there and in the process of discussing this over time the feelings will come out and the cult members families should just encourage the recovering ex cultist to keep talking .

So , as part of leaving the Scientology cult and seeking recovery I have taken on many subjects and reinterpreted many , many experiences I had while in the cult , and even experiences from before my cult membership. And time and time again I can be struck by either long buried emotions or new emotions from the new perspective I now have . And for me there is no gradual slow process of seeing bit by bit that Scientology is bad that many exes experience.  By diving right in at Lermanet.com and reading Jon Atack's Scientology Mythbusting articles at the Underground Bunker right away I was convinced that Scientology is entirely without benefit and a terrorist mind control cult .

So , I had many startling realizations along the way of being wrong , foolish , selfish , harmful , immature and feeling crushed by it over time .

Over months the anxiety and confusion went down from immense for a couple of months then strong for a few months and now about a year and three months later severe anxiety and immense rage have both diminished to virtually nothing .  But occasionally some materials or information can still act as a trigger, but often that material or information is often the exact thing I need educationally and those emotions are ones I need to face .

While  reading about psychology I learned what happened to me and wince when I realized how I've inflicted trauma upon others .And when reading about narcissists I was  relieved to find thousands of pieces of evidence that support the idea that Ron Hubbard was a narcissist ( malignant narcissist to be exact in my opinion ) and that only perhaps one or two percent of people are in this category of sociopathic human beings. Meaning the vast majority are quite more compassionate, humble and of entirely different character.

But , as many ex Scientologists may , I additionally was disturbed to face my own choices more directly . While studying narcissists I found a list of eight communication tactics narcissists employ and how they harm victims . Then realized I have done all eight , and several before I ever joined Scientology , so trying to blame it entirely on the cult rings false.

There was similar information on abuse and trauma in the book Take Back Your Life which masterfully describes totalist cults and controlling abusive relationships as being essentially the same in nature with minor differences . The book is fabulous at describing the cult experience and severe abuse and was difficult to read as it brought up many unpleasant realities of cults and abuse . It also revealed unpleasant and certainly unflattering behaviors I engaged in in  my life and was like getting smacked in the face , sometimes with a frying pan and sometimes an anvil.

 Facing hundreds of hurtful , evil and antisocial acts without making excuses or projecting is a tough and debilitating process. It should probably be spread out over time  more than I've pursued it . But it can be pursued to some benefit by some . I recommend trying to follow Robert Jay Lifton's idea which Steve Hassan has echoed :  a person needs to balance worth  and humility . If you have horrible personal behavior and deplorable conduct to face from your time in a cult or even before cult membership don't let the immensity of the challenge or the unpleasant realities it reveals discourage you . Or make you treat yourself improperly. As impossible as it sounds try to keep perspective and act both honestly and compassionately toward yourself .

Learning a new way to consider people , behavior and the future may be needed for many . Plainly the immense evil an ex cult member may find in their conduct can for some lead them to conclude they have acted to a great degree like narcissists or malignant narcissists or sociopaths or at least assholes . Possibly hundreds of times over years .

This can raise difficult questions : is a person who is evil for years stuck being evil ? Can such long held behavior and the accompanying attitudes be changed ? Is redemption or salvation possible for such people ?

We live in a culture that often has simplistic black and white good and bad labeling without fine distinction. We see Mansons and Hubbards as immensely evil - properly in my opinion . But see many others as good or at least not brutally , unrelentingly evil. Often that distinction is close enough , but when a cult member or abuser through education realizes they have been wrong and sincerely seeks to improve they may strip away lies that encouraged their conduct and feel they have an entirety new start . And that throwing off cult membership or an abusive identity is a major accomplishment .

Now some can feel ever having an innocent or even good self image is impossible, but having less harmful and more compassionate and humble conduct may be possible . One can strive to be a decent person even after tremendous and longstanding evil behavior .

I cannot pretend there is any way to make up evil or be redeemed. I am not qualified to judge either . I am confident many people can improve their behavior and move forward with positive conduct . Some will have a lot of work to do to attain sustained humility and compassion. They may need to learn about psychological defense mechanisms and narcissistic behaviors and healthy boundaries and bit by bit change .

I know I have had to learn when I am projecting or denying or using the silent treatment or any of many other negative behaviors . And to stop and recognize the importance of another person and their feelings and boundaries. It is like trying to learn how to be a decent person after decades as an abusive person all at once . And in leaving Scientology one can reject thousands and thousands of formerly certain guiding ideas and practices at the same time . While suffering the thousand deaths along the way . But I would rather honestly have the thousand deaths than the lie of a perfect life and perfect character - it is definitely too high a price for my family and the people around me to pay .