A Million Years In Hell

Several people have asked about my experiences in Scientology.

First I will tell you a little about myself.

I am a person who was beaten , jumped several times by multiple people at different times in my life. I have been shot at and had someone try to run me over with a car.
I have been abducted. I have been homeless and had no possessions or money except literally the clothes on my back . I have had a broken arm , multiple concussions and several times been knocked out.I have been picked up and thrown in jail for something I did not do or have any knowledge or involvement with .I have on several occasions avoided a mugging and/or beating by using my wits or willingness to use a weapon .
I have on occasion as a child gone days with no food .I have been forced to do hard labor .

I don't point these things out so anybody will feel sorry for me or act like I'm wise or special ; ALL human beings experience discomfort and suffering . I am pointing them out so I can give you a point of comparison : ALL these things happened prior to my heavy involvement with Scientology and other much worse things as well .

Scientology was much , much worse than all these things COMBINED in my life.
Scientology promises immortality and delivers in a perverse sort of way ; 25 years in Scientology can feel like a million years in hell.I guess I have a title for my unauthorized autobiography now.

I have spent at this point probably at least a couple hundred hours studying the mind control and cult indoctrination methods used in Scientology and am still constantly discovering new info about it and the effects it created in my life and still creates for so many others.

I have studied hypnosis , cults in general , covert persuasion , logical fallacies and focused extensively on the methods and results of Scientology and Dianetics.  I can never overstate the importance in looking at these things for any Scientologist or ex-Scientologist.

The brutal reality of how dehumanizing and covertly persuasive and harmful these practices are for so many people takes a willingness to believe the unbelievable , to see cruelty and degradation almost with no end, as something that can occur in a person's mind and life.

We want to feel safe within our own person and mind . We NEED to have some self-confidence and feeling of certainty. George Orwell and Phillip K Dick would probably be awed and terrified at the truth of Scientology's effects on people.
Many therapists and police NEVER properly deal with Scientologists or members of other cults.

They act as if cultists are mentally ill or criminals and miss the mark on what they are dealing with.I still deal with discovering residue and lingering after-affects of Scientology despite a lot of self-exit counseling.The journey of recovery from Scientology may be a lifelong one for me at this point.

Now I'll tell you a little more about my background .I am a man and I grew up in one of the very poorest areas in one of the very poorest cities in America. My city is known for a few things , but extreme poverty should top the list even though most Americans don't even know it is a poor city at all.

My family has four generations , at least , that have had a very significant impact on their lives from cultic involvement.My mother's family was in a cult and that led to a VERY unhappy home life.

I as a child deeply loved my mom and my aunts and uncles and thought we had a normal happy life.Only many years later did I discover my mother's generation had been profoundly abused and harmed by their parents.I still have tremendous love for my aunts and uncles and cousins BUT to be honest I must say they were subject to horrific abuse and that has greatly shaped their choices and lives .

I won't use any names but I will say one aunt entered a relationship with a much older man to escape the cult and abuse .At 13 I believe she moved in with a 39 year old and they stayed together until his death decades later.Another moved in and had two beautiful children with a much older man who to be blunt was a drunk and he beat and terrorized her and the kids.

Fortunately , she did get away from him after many years of abuse.All or almost all of my mom's siblings ran away the first chance they got as teens.I did not understand that they had very dysfunctional family dynamics and could barely stand to be around each other often , but tried to overcome the abuse they suffered and in many ways are a vast improvement over the generation before them.

I similarly left home at fifteen and was trying to find my way in the world by sixteen.
Some home environments are so toxic , so dehumanizing that homelessness in America is a step up .

I was very disillusioned with many things before I ran into Scientology , I had rejected Christsianity by twelve, and looked at and found inapplicable Existentialism , Nihilism and about a half dozen other philosophies as impractical .

Many don't address wealth inequality or people who don't follow your beliefs or rules.
Just ignoring criminals and insane is at times idiotic as a practical matter.Not thinking bad thoughts does not make bad situations go away.I was seventeen and already had one child and no job before I ran into Scientology.

I had lived in bad neighborhoods all my life , BUT about two years before I ran into Scientology I was on welfare and needed an apartment and very few landlords take seventeen year olds.That you don't live with your parents is a giant red flag and you are not legally responsible for damage to your apartment as well.I found the very , very worst apartment building in town and they would take just about anyone.

They had guys straight out of mental hospitals and prison . They had hookers and drug dealers and pimps and junkies.People would do drugs all night and some would rob each other.I was offered food stamps and drugs to buy THOUSANDS of times when walking in or out.The elevator frequently was broke , and when it did work it was often filled with urine and used condoms.

Several times I was propositioned by prostitutes on the elevator.( I always declined , real crack whores are..sad beaten down degraded human beings. No Julia Roberts Pretty Woman here )

Several times I barely avoided being beaten or robbed.There were holes punched in walls by people.I remember learning of a neighbor who'd been robbed and sodomized by another neighbor and being shocked !

It had to be explained to me that the man who was robbed was in prison a long time and PAID the other to break in and rape him !As if anyone should just know that's how he gets down ! WTF!?

I had another neighbor who started beefs with lots of people and when I asked if he was concerned he naturally told me he smokes crack all night and points his three fifty seven magnum at the door - all night every night !! As a routine precaution !!
I was very ready for a change in my life. My wife has said you were looking for something .

Well , I found Scientology and let me tell you it's definitely something. I at seventeen years old , in 1988 or 1989 ran into my very first Scientologist.

I had just moved from a runaway shelter to the apartment building I would stay in for several years and was hanging around another fellow from the shelter's social services program I'll call Mike.Mike told me he knew a Scientologist who worked at a pizza place two blocks from the apartment building . Mike was VERY critical of Scientology.

I had never heard of Scientology , Dianetics or L Ron Hubbard.I was very skeptical ,non-spiritual did not trust organized religion and was an atheist.I had found either logical fallacies or contradictions in and rejected several other belief systems.

I heard that Scientologists believe everything that happens to people is their responsibility; completely with no exceptions !I found that idea VERY objectionable and insulting !I did not know I was the perfect candidate for recruitment !

I met the Scientologist ,( I'll call Buddy ) and started talking to him ; I came right out and asked what Scientology was and how you could blame every person for everything that happens to them ?

Buddy talked about past lives and I knew we were on the Karma train .Unlike other religions he claimed there was a real practical SCIENTIFICALLY validated way out of the trap. ( I could not COMPLETELY disprove this . )Okay , that addressed one concern ( with a lie but I did not know that then ) .

He talked about the dynamics , that SEEMED sensible ( Only recently have I found the dynamics are a series of lies combined to form complex logical fallacies , to always have a circular logic of doing what's best for Scientology to ALWAYS be the only ethical choice , based on the false assumption that Scientology is always the most right thing possible ! )He talked about Dianetics as a scientifically validated therapy that advances and improves earlier mental therapies . ( That SEEMED possible ).

He had an answer to all my concerns , it seemed . I was taken aback to find something I could not rip apart or find obvious contradictions in in five minutes.I still was far from convinced , BUT had moved from antagonistic critic to curious and open-minded in a few days.

I did not know at the time , but buddy had an agenda ; he was trying to route off staff DESPERATELY and wanted a replacement for his routing form requirement !He knew staff made no money , but did not want a SP declare and so targeted me right from the get go !He felt that stringing me along was worth it if I got him out quicker !

I also was not used to Scientologists , so when he acked everything I said , no matter how strange or personal I did not know how to react !Normal people push the envelope a little in new relationships to establish ( set ) , recognize and show respect for boundaries .But in Scientology boundaries are destroyed , to help break down identities and minds for rebuilding .So , I got the incorrect impression that Buddy really liked me and that we were fast friends .

He put up with my odd comments and glomming on him to get his replacement and I really wanted a friend.Lots of people from dysfunctional and shattered family backgrounds have trouble following and recognizing normal social patterns and the time they usually take to develop, and I fit that model to a T.

My girlfriend ( who is now my wife and mother to both my adult children ) KNEW there was something wrong with Buddy and Scientology immediately , BUT I had to judge for myself.I liked positive attention , despite my awkwardness and difficulty with normal friendships and extreme trust issues.

I liked thinking I was accepted without going through a long " getting to know you " phase.The local org was two blocks away. This org was a dump of a dump , it is famous as being super DBish and small and having ultra downstat stats and staff for over three decades. It had less than twelve staff when I first got there .

It has a field of maybe two to three hundred people that flow on and off lines . At least that was the pattern from 1989 to around 2000 .The field today may be fifty to a hundred people tops . I joined staff as non-Scientology staff to check it out.

I figured what harm could it do ? I told my wife-to-be that If it was for real this was a way to really help people , and if it was a scam I'd tell the world.That was a very stupid and naive attitude . But for reasons I did not understand then.

I was on staff for about two months doing my staff statuses , spending a lot of time in the course room when I came to a checkout on the org board , right after listening to the tape " Org board and Livingness " .I kept drilling the departments and awareness characteristics that correspond with each other and word clearing all of them in the tech dictionary until I could explain how they each flowed into one another AND recite them in order VERBATIM with no comm lag !

I felt something " slip away " , felt like my worries and concerns were somehow relieved and gone .I did not know that was my mind's critical factor shutting way , way down and staying that way for years.I felt that I had an epiphany and I then knew that there was something here I never experienced anywhere else !

I was a Scientologist !! I felt my life now was orderly and made sense and I had a path I could put my faith in and trust !

Oh happy day !! What could possibly go wrong !?

I had my wife ( who was then my girlfriend ) VERY upset that I chose to become a full blown Scientologist .

She KNEW to her core that SOMETHING was wrong with those people , and a job where you never got paid , worked 80-100 hours every week and were promised days off BUT something ALWAYS came up to make the org , and then me break my promises to have time off and be with my family.

I just thought it was for the greatest good and , that if you changed your decision with new data it really isn't lying . Self deluded to the max, and becoming narcissistic and sociopathic.But I was sure I was becoming enlightened as I was addicted to the trance states I entered on course and when discussing and thinking in Scientologese.

I felt worry free , highly euphoric and thought that meant I had achieved a higher state of consciousness and mental awareness.I thought I had unlocked profound spiritual wisdom .I did not notice that I became a terrible , self absorbed pompous excuse for a boyfriend and father.

I thought just a little more work , a little more time and I and the org would unlock higher levels of ability and our financial and other problems would reverse and we'd be living in a dream of sanity and prosperity.This went on for several months and I decided to get off welfare and got a job . I got another and had a huge blow up over leaving staff to support my family.

We had a culture of extreme scapegoating and blaming part-time staff for not giving enough and by leaving I crossed from dilettante to full blown traitor .I said those people are crazy , BUT still believed in Hubbard  and the tech , which had given me my delusional fantasies and high of the trances.I also thought of Hubbard  as an infallible demi-god , who had held off ascending to a God-like state in the theta universe to help us lowly humans out of the trap.

I thought he had risked losing eternal paradise to help us lowly degraded thetans who had over billions of lifetimes of committing unimaginable overts against millions of worlds of people descended down to BEING human.I thought he was the smartest , purest being in a universe teaming with beings.

I had the ideas from Scientology greatly negatively influence my thoughts and behavior over the next few years as I tried to come back on staff several times and it ALWAYS ended disastrously.Even though I was away I was certainly not out as I used the delusions and language to keep myself conditioned and floating in and out of the trance for years , further deluding my own mind.

I put my girlfriend through a special kind of hell by going on and off staff and leaving her over and over BUT neither one of us EVER got with anybody else over the years.
She was my best friend from thirteen years old and we got together by fifteen and were truly deeply in love as teens and that bond has been sorely tested many , many times over the years.I did thousands of stupid , selfish insensitive things and cannot honestly entirely blame Scientology.

It did give me false info to be sure BUT I did all those things and have to accept that I am the person who lowered the quality of our relationship by indescribably immense levels and she has had every right dozens of times to label me as abusive , void of human decency and compassion and downright evil .You could use words like pernicious , malefic, malevolent and abhorrently evil and all would have fit my conduct.

She had every right to for both herself and our children 's sake's to leave me and NEVER take me back or let me into the children's lives to protect them .I have to accept the unpleasant reality that a former Scientologist as part of recovery is to some degree going to have a permanent maybe and mystery.

You are not completely free from responsibility for what you do or did , and neither is Hubbard  or anyone acting as his agent.It is not a 50-50 proposition by any means. You can only look into your own heart for an answer.

I will til my dying day assert that Hubbard  and those who use his methods are more than adequately to blame for many of the harmful effects of Scientology to meet or exceed any legal requirement for prosecution for a number of charges , and should be held accountable in court to the fullest extent of the law .

But for the ex-cultist at some point facing that despite all the lies and mind control , they are still the person who DID what they did may be necessary to progress and not be perpetually a victim , even though you were made a victim by Scientology.It is natural to have regrets and be furious at the deception , degradation and violation that Scientology routinely brings and try to find a balance between humility and worth as part of recovery for the ex-cultist sake and for their loved ones as well.

By the time I was twenty we had our second child and now had a boy and a girl , about three years apart .I kept going back to the org and when the KTL evolution came along I was sold on this FINALLY putting world clearing within reach.

For anybody who does not know KTL was the Key to Life course and was a special kind of extensive brainwashing that was meant to break down and rebuild a person's education and identity , along with the Life Orientation Course to reorient you into devoting your life to Scientology.

It was promoted that Hubbard  through research found those pesky psychs made society degrade to a point where people were semi-literate and needed their entire educations rebuilt in order to properly communicate and study and audit and that he developed a special super-secret set of rundowns to restore a thetan's power BUT nobody was literate enough to do them .

So he came up with KTL and LOC to boost people back up to literacy and competence.It was supposed to be do KTL and LOC then make people who could deliver the new rundowns ( the Super Power line-up ) then clear the planet.That was the pr , the truth is that many report Hubbard  did not create KTL or LOC and that they were somebody else's stab at brainwashing.

I don't know 100% either way.But I can tell you they flopped in the early 90s big-time.
People on the evolution (where we trained at ITO , the International Training Org in LA , a huge Sea Org org that had hundreds of us at it's peak ) had to redefine their lives in Scientology terms and LOOK at them .

Well that is very unScientology-like ;students routinely would decide to marry other students , get divorces, decide to leave staff or the SO - since LOC had them LOOK at what and who they were . Even though it was in Scientology terms. It violated a simple and fundamental concept in Scientology - never give people a choice -ALWAYS give an illusion of choice.

When you ask a public about a course it is morning or evening ? What works better for you ? NOT do you want this ?See ALL acceptable choices lead to SUBMISSION to Scientology. When you ask about a donation it is can you do twenty thousand or fifty thousand ? NOT EVER can you afford to donate !

Hubbard  knew that by heart and that is why many speculate that he never wrote LOC , and never would - it violates an essential rule of his con and the caste system he wanted Scientology to be : IT recognized and gave power to an individual to make a choice. It had the gamble that they would ALWAYS choose Scientology and that gamble failed time and again. It gave a sliver of freedom and some ran with it in creative ways.

One woman decided her purpose in life was to create totally freed beings - and so left the SO to have babies !I was given the PR and bought it completely and felt revitalized . I was told ALL my problems with my wife and life would be handled on these courses !I was overjoyed told my wife I was going to LA , causing her to break down crying in misery , for the hundredth time and left her with two little babies and no source of income.

I went to LA and did the Student Hat , that was EXTREME brainwashing and strengthened and reinforced my earlier indoctrination to set up a very frequent pattern of self hypnotism and thinking in loaded language locking in the effects and implanted far more post hypnotic commands that would have triggering events that would occur tens of thousands of times in the following decades.

A triggering event is a condition that activates or triggers a post hypnotic command ; in study tech you are implanted with a VERY long list of mental , physical and behavioral phenomena to reactivate commands that you are conditioned by hypnosis and other methods of persuasion into believing are caused by the barriers to study. They can reactivate HUNDREDS of times in a day. You can live YEARS in a near constant trance. That is actually the goal of study tech .

So after I did the student hat I did the theory for pro TRs and was found to be PTS so I was routed OFF the evolution and sent back.

I had been told KTL would handle PTSness to get me to go , BUT the MAA at ITO said this was TOTALLY wrong and I was just recruited as part of a stat push ! Oopsies ! They wasted two months training me for nothing !

I came back and the org staff were pissed at me and I was pissed that I had been lied to !So , I routed off staff AGAIN , this was a recurring pattern. In the early 90s I had one of my darkest moments.I was floundering around working crappy , low paying jobs to scrape by and blaming the wog world for all my problems when I met a SO member who recruited me.

I had two kids and was totally unqualified to join in many ways BUT I did not want to face being a miserable failure in my life so I ran away to the SO abandoning my girlfriend and our two small babies to fend for themselves. I pretended I would be righteous and clear the planet or some pompous arrogant bullshit.It is perfectly natural for you to hate me and know that I am the scum of the earth right now.

It is even okay for you to retain and never lose that opinion ; I only ask that it not stop you from considering my theories on Scientology and the harm it causes.The theories are not invalidated by the guy who presents them being a scumbag.

So I spent the next two months on the EPF and called my girlfriend - who I had blamed for ALL my problems when I left her - and kept expecting her to " get over " my abandoning her and our two wonderful children by the magic power of Scientolgy , and guess what - she never did !


She was still crying ALL THE FUCKING TIME ! AND I never got the super OT abilities I fantasized about , I painted walls and changed lightbulbs and moved filing cabinets and furniture and did the far less than impressive EPF courses.

I was ready to break down because I had emotionally , subconsciously become miserable BUT consciously I thought I should be happy to get what I thought any Scientologist wanted most - to be in the Elite Sea Org !I demanded to route out as I felt deep down that everything was wrong and could not stay and not be miserable.

I could not explain how I absolutely needed to go home , despite the " ethics conditions " always showing staying in the SO was the greatest good for the greatest number of dynamics.

I was painted as evil , degraded and selfish for wanting to return to my family instead of staying in the SO as a submissive and obedient slave.I finally just said I would not do any conditions or discuss it anymore , I had to leave .I half-expected to be declared on the spot but instead was routed out within a couple of days without a confessional and was shocked to get to leave so easily.

I was utterly confused and returned to my girlfriend and said I had made a horrible mistake and begged her to take me back and I don't know why but she did and made me promise to never join staff again.My ex-SO label made it possible to keep that promise , unintentionally on my part, but it turned out to be a huge blessing in the following years as it helped limit my commitment and participation with the cult.I would find many more ways to break her heart in the coming years.

Allright , now we are at a point where to really continue I need to get so specific as to let OSA very easily zero in on who I am , if by some chance they have not yet figured it out and they would have to not try or be totally incompetent idiots to not know with all the many clues I've given so far.I am going to tell something very specific because without it my story would be grossly incomplete and even dishonest for me .

Over the years from the early 90s to the early 2000's I spent thousands of hours at the local org as a student and at times volunteer and had become very close to several Scientologists in the area.I followed a pattern of doing courses and other activities ,but never really going up the bridge and blaming my girlfriend and then reconciling and trying to keep my family.I made many poor choices . This fact cannot be stated strongly enough .

I at one point about 16 years ago had accepted that I was not going to be allowed back on staff after several petitions were turned down and worked on improving our relationship and finally convinced my wife to marry me .

She did this with hesitancy and trepidation as I was still involved with Scientology and she knew only too well the pattern of betrayal and abandonment I had oh so often followed over the decades was ALWAYS a lingering threat to reappear.

I drifted back and forth among many , many wog jobs and always blamed others whether I quit or got fired.Now I am going to get very specific and paint the bullseye right on my back for OSA , IF anyone reading figures out my name PLEASE do not put it online as I have family who don't want to be outed.

If you know you can private message me and we can discuss it. I have warned OSA , in language that is not permitted at ESMB ,on Facebook about certain ...eventualities should they choose certain options.My org was Buffalo New York, and there for many , many years my best friend after my wife was Jeff Carlson.

He was the son of the former ED Barb Manning . She was ED back in the 1989-90 period roughly.He was first a sup and then ED for what seemed like forever.
The org was really a run down shit hole for many years sometimes having a half dozen or less staff for years.

We had many staff come and go including Mary Ojeda as ED who I dearly loved and considered as a mother to me for years.Mary for a while got things really booming and got the org up to about fifty to sixty staff and nearly three hundred public actually coming in on service on a very frequent basis.

I should clarify that Mary was there as ED before Jeff Carlson became ED.
She was ED when I was on staff at one point and when I went to the SO ( at the Excalibur building in New York , I joined CLO EUS ).In 1998 I got married to my girlfriend and was still struggling with employment and blaming the wog world for this.

I had in my mid 20s gotten convinced to get a GED as almost no employer will hire someone without a high school diploma or equivalent BUT I still felt it was their problem , not mine.I did not even get a driver's license until my mid 20s and got a car at around twenty eight , and in Buffalo almost every good job demands a car to get to and from.I got fired for what seemed like the hundredth time and was complaining at the org to Jeff Carlson and he asked how many employer's I had on my tax return and I was startled.

He had ALWAYS supported putting down the terrible wog world , like any good Scientologist would and he was a VERY good Scientologist !He asked again and said it's not them it's you ! I was shocked and dismayed.

I went and really put some effort into getting and holding a job , you know like somebody who gives a fuck and does not just blame everything on other people.
Up to that point I never held any job longer than about two and a half years or put much effort into learning or keeping one , after all I was a great Scientologist and really lowering myself by even associating with these incompetent , foolish wogs !

Yeah , I know go ahead and think it - I was the most self absorbed pretentious arrogant asshole EVER !No doubt about it ; no excuses for it. That's the brutally ugly truth.I became a narcissistic , elitist , deluded fool of the highest order ! Yeah I was truly and deeply a Scientologist !

I took Jeff Carlson's advice to heart and ended up getting a little better job as a temp at a warehouse and had to really apply myself to learn how to use their inventory system and operate equipment and drive a forklift and get along with wogs.

It was an enormous challenge BUT I poured myself into it and learned many new skills and held that job for almost five years and for much of that time was considered a truly dedicated and productive employee.Okay I still kept going on lines and then having difficulties and leaving for periods of several weeks or months .

I vacillated between focusing on my family and Scientology and my poor wife never knew if I would stay or not.To say I put her through hell would be the grossest understatement possible.I was still a super jerk at work BUT that was an enormous improvement from the mega asshole I had been before talking to Jeff and at times I was almost socially acceptable.

To understand you need to think of going from completely impossible to bear or work with to just quite difficult , but manageable with incredible patience and compassion . I had really gotten a lot better , especially for a Scientologist !

So I had gotten adjusted to having to stay a public and had done the HDA ( Hubbard Dianetic Auditor course) and the FSM Specialist hat.

All in all I did staff status one and two , got to the tail end of the EPF with its courses , also did the Student Hat , the BSM twice and read about twenty basic books and read DMSMH at least five times and read OEC vol 0 , 1 and parts of many other Vols and bulletins and much of the PTS and ethics materials and wrote up thousands of OWs and did hundreds of conditions formulas. And like any good Scientologist spent hundreds of hours listening to Hubbard's taped lectures.

I had a veritable brainwashing bonanza ! I was broken down and rebuilt VERY thoroughly and changed on a deep subconscious level profoundly !It is a crime that is quite difficult to comprehend let alone describe. It is a far more severe violation than all the beatings , assaults hardships and threats I experienced prior to Scientology.

It really is the gift that keeps on giving. Now for anyone who does not yet know there is a much darker chapter around the corner.THIS will be even worse and not for the most sensitive of you to easily bear.

I will give a hint that will inform many where we are heading.Jeff Carlson married a very sweet beautiful wonderful young woman , who I worked with for many many hours in the course room as my word clearer.

I love her and consider her like a niece to me since she is so much younger and I watched her grow up in front of me from a pretty kind girl into a beautiful kind-hearted intelligent woman .I also was friends with and hung out with her brother. Her name is Danielle Perkins Carlson : daughter to Elli Perkins , sister to Jeremy.

You should probably google them if you don't know who they are and see if you want to stay for were I am headed .It is NOT for everyone , and I certainly am not and will NEVER be at peace with what comes next.

Okay , now for the worst part .

I was away totally focused on work and repairing my relationship with my family for several months and still believed in Scientology in march 2003.
For a while I was working 60-75 hours a week to take care of my bills and having worked in Scientology orgs and trained as staff thought this was a normal lifestyle.I did not realize that you are almost certainly neglecting your family if you are away this much , BUT to my wife it was an enormous improvement from being on staff or even course as she could see a huge improvement whenever Scientology had a less direct influence on my life.

I was not around for several months as I was quite frustrated with being stuck on some course or something and not getting any help, so I focused on my job and family.A lot of people already know a lot about March 13 2003 and NOT because it is Hubbard's birthday .

On March 13, 2003, Jeremy Perkins, a 28 year old untreated schizophrenic, stabbed his mother Elli 77 times. She bled to death on her bedroom floor.

I was away and taught like a good Scientologist to NEVER watch wog news or read newspapers , as they were tools for manipulation of the population by the evil psychs.I had no idea what had even occurred !

I came back several months AFTER this and the org moved to a temporary location as the Ideal Org was being worked on a few blocks away.
I started helping with the renos and of course thought the org was finally getting the help and decent facilities it had needed for decades like a good deluded idiot .

I could tell some people in the area were acting off but not quite why.
There were a lot of volunteers and SO from all over the world and so I thought it was just due to them being here that things were strange and the air almost felt charged when I was a round some people.I had no idea about the murder , the cover up , the lying to the press the SO missions that swarmed in and interrogated tons of people.I approached Danielle Perkins Carlson one day and she did not seem right but I did not know if she was mad at me or something.

We always had a great relationship and shared many jokes , and similar feelings on many subjects so I thought I could break the ice with a simple safe question to test the waters and see if she was open to talking to me.
I sat down next to her and said " I haven't seen your BROTHER around , is he off doing something ? ".

I knew her brother had talked about doing different things and had even expressed interest in starting a band at one point and asked me to join .
(I declined as I was ultimately very busy with my family and work )She was stunned and like a good clear was required by the chart of human evaluation to be willing to talk to anyone about any subject.

She had to totally suppress her emotions - just like LRH says in an open letter to clears ,: you know to not denigrate the state of clear -
and barely keeping her shit together she could just barely keep the trance up and whimper " I will be comfortable talking with you about ANY other subject ".And she , stunned slowly walked away in deep shock.I had no idea what I had done . I later found out she went to her husband and said " how could he not know !? ".

Jeff Carlson explained that I was off-lines and did not watch the news or read the papers like a good Scientologist.She was beyond words for days BUT had to pull it together whenever anyone saw her , to keep up appearances as everyone knew she was a clear free from negative emotions and trapped in being unable to express them.I found out afterword that the murder occurred and people suspected psychs of killing Elli and framing Jeremy to disrupt the theta in the area , I shit you not.

I slowly over weeks pieced together that Jeremy had threatened to kill his mom well beforehand and knew there was something wrong , but they insisted on Scientology to handle things.I don't want to insult or blame any of the family members and am not even comfortable saying anything about this horrible tragedy.

I am going to give some background on the family now and will try to let you draw your own conclusions.When I first started working with Danielle she was a girl who was just becoming a young woman and was very pretty but not at all stuck up or like some girls who are really pretty giving off a vibe of being pissed at guys for always ogling them .

She was friendly and open to accepting people and looked for positives in virtually everybody.

I would tell her little things about being on staff that others would find embarrassing or insulting and she'd say " yeah me too " and one day when word clearing me on a long chain she used Phallic instead of Fellatio and we had to clear the two words for HER as the word clearer and I did my best serious student act to save both of us embarrassment but she still cracked up and turned beet red .

She was a very nice person and very open trusting and compassionate , even to a struggling student who could not afford div IV services.One day we were clearing a bunch of words on religion and I said I didn't think a lot of these ideas in earlier religions made any sense and she confided in me that when she was young her parents told her and her brother those religions were there due to implants people got a long time ago on the whole track.

She was very somber and took me into her confidence . I could tell she was just holding back more secrets she had been sworn to as a very little girl.
She would tell me bits and pieces of things her mom believed and even to a Scientologist some sounded extreme.Only years later would I see the OT levels and realize that info came straight from them and some of the other things Elli believed " proved " the OT levels for her.

I found out her best friend was on the phone with her and heard the murder and I saw and talked to her and people she confided in .

I was not there , BUT it is my opinion that Jeremy was not taken away or made to stay somewhere else because that would prove the unworkability of the vast training and auditing his parents had.

Further no Scientologist could have a kid committed no matter how crazy he was.

I also am of the opinion that Elli honestly thought she could use her OT powers to stop him and make him sane by postulate alone .I have no proof that is just my , somewhat educated opinion.

See how Hubbard  hypnotizing people into gaining confidence instead of competence is not always a harmless motivational technique?I am not interested in EVER hearing any Hubbard or tech apologist dare to refute this with some half-assed story or anectdote.

I don't ever want to hear that bullshit. She's fucking dead and horrifically brutalized . Her kid knew he was fucked up and tried to get away or get stopped or something and saw no way out ; it does not completely excuse him by any stretch.She was taught that she had OT powers and auditing skill to control people and their minds.They were taught to NEVER put anyone into the hands of the evil psychs no matter what.

Scientology can say not my fault all it like . It is like piling wood up , then throwing on gas , then throwing on lit matches and saying " oh no I did not start the fire , no one could have known there would be a fire."

This is Buffalo New York






This is a perpetually empty ideal org.It may be the strongest human repellant ever discovered .

We are now up to 2003 which had its own problems after I found out about the famous murder .I had volunteered to work on the renos of the new ideal org and ended up hanging out with and always helping a crew of young SO members who were doing construction.This quickly became an obsession as I did not realize they were love bombing the shit out of me and actually covertly had the target of recruiting me back into the SO.

They quickly saw that I would work full time at my job and then work all night to help them and then sleep four hours and go back and do it all again the next day.

I also knew a lot more about Scientology tech and policy than they did and they could easily see that .I just thought this was what I always wanted and like an idiot once again began blaming my wife for all my problems and unhappiness .For several months I thought I had found instant friends.

I also had been working out for a couple years as part of trying to improve myself like a narcissistic Scientologist and had gained muscle and lost fat.Of course there were several young girls on the renos crew who were always making sure to comment on how attractive they thought I was and that I could easily find a hot wife if I ever was back in the SO.Yeah , I know what they were doing should have been as easy to see through as their t-shirts when they were hot and sweaty from working in the heat all day but I let my imbecilic ego get in the way of the truth.

They made a point to always have me giving a super hot young blonde in skin tight jeans and a super tight little t a ride to do the shopping. And they would just let it slip that she was getting a divorce and would be all alone in her big bed soon.

They also would feed me with them and always act super happy when I came around.
They would conveniently have an assignment that needed me and three super hot young girls who made sure to talk about how I would do great in the SO.Yeah I was blinded by delusions of adequacy , had visions of some sophomoric fantasy in my mind.

I also thought I could hide from all my past mistakes and pretend the SO and my sacred mission were more important and never face the harsh reality of having been a selfish inconsiderate asshole a million times over in the past. And that all my employment problems were my fault and not due to the wicked wogs .So I became almost manic in trying to prove that I could fit in and make it back to the SO , did not talk to my kids at all and made my wife miserable thinking I would divorce her and leave again , this time for good.

I ran myself down to almost nothing and after two months we had the grand opening and the SO members left.I just could not pull the trigger and leave and was deeply confused and conflicted by my ambivalence.When they realized that despite being urged and nudged toward going I would not they were disappointed and quickly got over it .

I was just a stat that they failed to push through to a done and soon forgotten.
I would soon fall off the lines as all they wanted to do was PTS handlings which is code for get you to leave your wife.The problem is I understood the code and had a funny thing happen .I could not get through ANY Scientology materials . NOT a page, even of materials I had read dozens of times before.

I now know what was going on but then did not and could not figure it out.This may sound crazy but subconsciously I knew from hundreds of ethics cycles before that reading those references and doing the OW write ups and conditions always leads to one result : leave my wife and kids . Period . Every time .

I did not understand consciously that the conditions are a complex logical fallacy that LOOKS rational BUT has false assumptions about what life is AND that to benefit it you must always choose Scientology over anything else as the assumption of Scientology's greater benefit and value is BUILT IN the fucking conditions !It is like a guy saying " I am more important than others because I am more important than others " BUT with a series of language tricks to hide that is what he is saying.I could not proceed no matter how much word clearing I did or what conditions or RPEC or anything I did.

Of course I was regged for special auditing for students but could not afford it.
See I had moved firmly to the fringe.I could not go back on staff or to the SO and could not afford expensive services and now could not even do courses or progress from ethics programs.I was seen as nobody and barely tolerated .

When the only stat you help is Bodies in the shop you are barely noticed unless you stop coming in, and then to get the stat back you get a little attention for a short time.
Being on the fringe after heavy heavy indoctrination leaves you feeling worthless and like a DB , like your not going up the bridge is your fault. After all Hubbard and all these dedicated staff put the bridge there - which was the hard part - why can't you go up it ? You ungrateful lazy piece of shit.

I would be confused and damaged by the Scientolgy trance for another eleven years before I got a clue. I went through something I am sure other Scientologists have gone through and , Hubbard even wrote about it .From doing so many ethics cycles and writing up thousands of OWs I got a phenomena that happens in other cults too.

By blaming , and blaming and blaming yourself and believing you have billions of hidden evil acts you can feel completely worthless and evil and that by just EXISTING as the worthless piece of shit you are without immensely changing and undoing or making up for all that evil you are making it continue to exist.

Cults have used guilt and shame to break down people , probably for millennia as have unscrupulous individuals.Some would even speculate that this is the origin of the concept of sin.I had been convinced that all my problems could be my own fault and that anything I had " charge " on was due to un-handled personal out ethics.

I now know that these ideas are total bullshit. I was not taking responsibility for anything that I found upsetting.In other words if it upset me I had to make the vulnerability by not facing evil in myself.This idea is crazy but I bought into it.

Let me give you some examples so you can see ; I did not like murders so I thought I must have committed lots of murders in past lives .I did not like child abuse so I thought I must have committed child abuse to be disgusted by it.I was convinced I must have done all the things I found unpleasant in order to go " effect " and be vulnerable to them in this life !

Well I was vulnerable to lots of bad things and disgusted by abuse , rape , murder and lots of other things I was sure I must have done in order to be uncomfortable or repulsed by them now.Look , I know this shit is actually totally wrong now. If you object to rape , murder and child abuse you have a conscience NOT an abberation to confront.

But I was confused and beaten down severely and felt I had a hidden secret of having must have been a murderer and rapist and child molester and killed my own family, since someone killing their family always was upsetting to me.I felt less than and worse than the rest of humanity and like I could never be good enough to deserve to live.

I thought I was an SP and had been expressing hidden evil purposes for millions of years and murdering and raping with cruel delight for hundreds of lifetimes and that only through Scientology could I be redeemed and remove my hidden whole track evil purposes and insanity.I was willing to do anything I thought if I could find a way to get up the bridge .

I was terrified I would forget that I " learned ethics " in Scientology and after dying would come back as a remorseless killer ruining life and the universe for all the good beings , for eons until I would fade out into blind , insane amnesia for eternity.Boy I found me some good religion . Scientology sure put the fun in fundamentalist , or maybe it's the mental - as in fucking crazy .

I became extremely paranoid and in addition to " remembering " past life incidents full of murder torture rape and killing my families OVER and OVER AND thinking " confronting " these would purify me I started to have auditory hallucinations without realizing it.I thought I constantly heard 1.1 people plotting against me, and once I was convinced someone was 1.1 I did not change my mind.Needless to say I became quite erratic and went from depressed to suspicious and back .

I did not understand that NOT having balance in many areas of your life and thinking can literally cause insanity .

I became very distrustful and hated almost every one all the time . A mind turned against itself with lies is one of the ugliest things possible.I may always have trust issues to some extent but they were turned up to a hundred then and you are whacked out if they are over say a twenty .I had a long dark road ahead of me . And there was a reason I did not know behind all of this .

I was mistaken for some person who leaked info about the org to a critic or something and targeted to be driven insane in a routine OP by OSA .They had picked just the right things to say to drive me into my state and had a new staff member say them in a controlled rigged setup to look and feel spontaneous , like the person used OT perceptions to read my mind .

I did not understand that they combed through all my folders to find psychological weaknesses and buttons and even phrases to crush my mind and drive me into insanity or suicide .I only realized this in 2014 after watching videos on OSA OPs and reading about many of them and ones designed with the same tech to do just what was done with me.I went away and was confused but on some level knew the best thing I could do would be to stay with my wife and kids.

I could not explain it but I feel much better with my family than I ever did in Scientology and thought that made me selfish , low toned and lazy.I still thought Hubbard  was good ,but that people had messed up with the tech.

I was told that I was mistaken for somebody else by OSA and once they knew I was still a loyal Scientologist with no intention of EVER turning they could not care one bit about the damage they did .

I had someone offer me a free ARC break session . I said I did not want free service. Thinking I would be a downstat for taking it.Actually I think they wanted to fix that they fucked me over without admitting it. Or maybe they wanted intel gathered.I would be very distrustful of future attempts to recover me and still thought maybe in a future life I could be a Scientologist.

I spent a lot of time away from the org and would very rarely briefly get recovered bog down in ethics and not come around for months or even a year or so .I was still very damaged from Scientology and re-triggering the trance and its harmful effects.

I tried to figure out what was wrong with me and used study tech on lots of other materials and just ended up more confused.I entered a weird childlike state wherein I was only comfortable and safe with the very most unobjectionable and non-offensive subjects .I became like a little kid who has suffered extreme abuse or trauma and can not take anything upsetting.I became obsessed with things I could interact with easily on a mental level , comic books statistics for make believe characters and lots and lots of definitions .

I was still seeking trances and did things unknowingly to get me back to those trances including clearing hundreds of words as by now the hypnotic influence of study tech was so deeply ingrained that almost any use triggered the phenomena and trance , making me feel safe relaxed and comforted by learning definitions.To put it another way Scientology thoroughly confused my mind and I did not know it .It also made me feel less confused TEMPORARILY when I cleared words.So I thought I was getting out of the confusion BUT intaking the words hypnotically actually STRENGTHENED the confusion .

That is one of the cruel secrets that Hubbard was always laughing about in his lectures.
He is confusing these dupes who think he is enlightening them ! By the early 2000's after 2003-4 I was in a kind of purgatory of being completely not trusting in the local management in Buffalo and thinking the SO up-lines who had been on my ethics lines did not give a fuck if I was left twisting in the wind.

I STILL trusted Hubbard and the tech and just thought that it was not truly being applied , BUT had no clue about DM or general corruption or anything like that .
I thought I was an isolated goof and most Scientologists are treated fairly and the rules generally work out.

I felt that I might just have to wait until next lifetime or even wait until my kids grew up and move to LA or Flag and get " standard ethics " and go up the bridge in my 50s or something like that; the idea that staying with my wife and giving up the promised eternal salvation of Scientology existed only as a tiny kernel I dare not confront ; BUT it grew relentlessly hidden . She made it VERY hard not by demanding anything or putting down Scientology.

By being a great person and having tremendous compassion and loyalty and being a truly great mother who always looked out for our kids and was everything that you lose in Scientology.It is hard to SEE great character , work ethic , love and persistence and not feel safe and drawn to it .She has had more patience and tolerance than a dozen saints and is the best person I have ever known .

Intellectually I had the " theory " that I would do better at another org with no lowly suppressive wogs on my lines , BUT emotionally it FELT like the wrongest decision possible.To say I was DEEPLY conflicted would be a perfect description and a very strong understatement.I was haunted and almost damned by the hidden internal confusion and conflict.


At some point in all this mess I left my wog job as the company cut my hours and thereby pay tremendously as they opened a new plant in Mexico and moved most of our work there. The handwriting was on the wall that they would soon be having massive layoffs and I was paranoid and thought most of my coworkers were " low-tone " from my Scientology beliefs anyway so I moved on.

Within a few months I got a job at a major international company and stayed there for about five years and was fairly successful the majority of my time there and had assorted ups and downs with being confused and got a coworker who was actually a Scientologist as well.

I'll call him Dale and say he was a very friendly guy and for about a year he did not know I was a Scientologist as well .He was OPENLY a Scientologist in Buffalo New York at a major corporation .I knew he would get treated with shock and disdain , BUT had no intention of outing myself.I knew it could destroy my reputation and that most people would never accept being disseminated to at our job anyway .

I also knew he would try to recover me , and that my trusting Buffalo staff again was off the table , BUT I still would not say one bad word about them to him.

He eventually was assigned to work with me on a project and we trained together for many hours and he asked me about a lot of things and I eventually told him I was a Scientologist and not to tell anyone else.

Long story short we hung out a little and he tried to recover me and I flirted with the idea but never went back and he moved away.Then I got very very lucky and caught a series of breaks that resulted in my leaving Scientology for real in mind and body.
I caught a HUGE break in a series that I needed to actually get out of Scientology about three years ago and did not know it.

The company I worked for got sold to an even bigger international company and they restructured and fired a bunch of people in our management and went to a different way of doing business and changed a lot of things and there was tremendous destabilization for a lot of people.I had my job changed a couple times under the new bosses and was forced into new duties that I was not suited to at all.

I got really lucky and I got fired. That would prove a key break .I got another job ( that I still have now about two and a half years later ) a few months after losing my old one.
I caught a huge break in that this job requires a tremendous amount of communication with people and clearly understanding each other quickly in a chaotic disorganized environment.

I realized that I needed to THINK in English for my coworkers to understand me easily and figured I would not lose anything since it would be like a person who knows two languages switching to the natives:who I was wouldn't really change.I was completely wrong in a way that I did not see. Thinking almost exclusively in English greatly reduced the continuous reactivation of the trance and reduced the iron hold the loaded language had on my mind.

I still used profuse word clearing to reactivate trances several times a week BUT my mind had some free original thoughts : I still limited my thoughts away from things I was conditioned to avoid most of the time BUT I was almost capable of some critical and independent thought.

I would get little cracks in my thinking when I would SEE objective proof that Hubbard  was wrong about how economics and other issues work BUT instantly justify it by thinking maybe things have changed since the 50s or some other BS excuses.I also got cracks when I read Marcus Aurelius and the Art of War and Some other non Hubbard  philosophers and concluded that people need to see themselves as responsible for their beliefs and actions as CHOICES no matter who or what they follow.I was almost self-determined in that I saw my being a Scientologist as MY choice and not what Hubbard  " proved " .

I saw all religions and beliefs as not acceptable justifications for crimes in a civilized society.This was a HUGE change from my earlier beliefs BUT the ramifications would not hit home for another year or so.

Okay all that happened in my first couple years at my job and I was STILL a Scientologist , BUT I was ready for a hero to help me out of the abyss.I got help from a few unexpected sources . First I got a phone that had internet access about a year ago and started reading humor and entertainment articles and clearing hundreds of words on dictionary and vocabulary sites , and saw that as no threat to staying a good hidden Scientologist.

I then got very , very depressed and knew that I HAD to change SOMETHING in my life. I had felt this way before BUT always AUTOMATICALLY knew that I could not doubt or question Scientology as that would be suppressive and just " ethically "wrong .I for the first time in decades was willing to EVEN look at Scientology and see what was so CONFUSING about it for me.

In about January 2014 I started looking at Neutral internet sites and official church sites to SEE what was up.I had known for years on some level that if there was this huge expansion it was not happening in Buffalo , so what was up ?I looked at the famous freedom mag posse of lunatics story.



I read several other issues of Freedom and could not make sense of it.See this is really for wogs to read. IT has stories that portray DM as human and capable of being fooled by psycho downstat CICS who SCOHB.That is counter-intentioned cock suckers who suck cocks on Hollywood boulevard ; reportedly DM's favorite motivational phrase for his subordinates.

Seeing the great OT having been fooled for DECADES by incompetent SPs and them getting by the whole SO with all their OT perceptics and OEC/FEBC and SO training just did not fit my ideas and I could not reconcile it with any excuse.I at first still believed in Hubbard  , but I knew I had to dig deeper.This all was happening in a few frantic , mentally unhinging panicked weeks.

I read a lot and found " Friends of LRH " and saw their point of view BUT could not quite buy it.If there was no structure who would prevent squireling ? Who would settle disputes over tech and keep in ethics ? And how could the demi-god Hubbard  leave the SO a weak incompetent bunch that failed so much ?You see even indies and neutral sites recognize Scientology's lack of acceptance and shrinkage.This lead me to be ready to MAKE myself look at the critics and Scientology and think critically. I felt I had to find actual truth and not comforting confirmation on my own beliefs.

I was initially lost and confused as I tried to navigate all the info . I got lucky and landed at Operation Clambake and then moved onto Lermanet.com and realized this was at least partially fraudulent BUT believed so strongly in my beloved study tech that had given me thousands of hours of euphoric , blissful trances.

I took the cult test by A Orange (free online) and got a 98 out of 100 ! I knew DOZENS of methods of mind control were used on me !I read more about the confusion technique at Lermanet and then hit the Underground Bunker and Jon Atack's articles at Scientology Mythbusting.I Looked at lots of articles on hypnosis and the symptoms of trances and what they are and covert hypnosis and realized when I read the Affirmations that ALL this is and always was a scam.100% , always meant to fool and enslave from day one , word one NO EXCEPTIONS. EVER and FOREVER .

I almost totally broke down as I started to SEE the thousands of false data that Hubbard used to fool like cards in a great board all flipping over simultaneously to reveal hidden evil intent!I saw little subtle lies and deceptions and remembered HUNDREDS of quotes VERBATIM and reinterpreted the new persuasive insidious intent behind them !I in about May 2014 knew I had to cross the point of no return. I told my wife I knew that Scientology was a scam and mind control cult.

I was almost catatonic with shock and for several weeks for HOURS every day just rambled on to my wife telling her about this lie and that and reading online late every night . I read four books online about Scientology and several on thought reform and was in total shock .I barely held my shit together enough to force myself to get out of bed put one foot in front of the other and fucking go to work .I still was terrified to tell my family.

I told my kids and Mother in law and they did not say we knew it or chastise me or call me crazy or a fool or anything !They accepted my apologies and said they believed in mind control and terrorists as our family has all studied the Holocaust and The kids and Grandma visited Israel and we all know Survivors or have at least talked to some.
I was not going to be ridiculed or cast out ! But I was in a terrorist mind control cult for 25 fucking years !! And fucked people over countless times to help the cult !Where the fuck do you get people like that who will put up with this insane bullshit and still keep somebody !

I knew after reading a lot more and totally focusing my family relationships and all our time together on Scientology that I would have to talk to someone outside the family to relieve them of this constant burden.I was hesitant to trust anyone as I did not know what has happened with Anonymous and the huge growth of critics and Scientology not being able to stop , or even slow it anymore.I thought OSA and fair game were as deadly as ever.I had to pick someone I would trust and feel comfortable with , who I was sure was not OSA.

I called Tory Magoo as I had seen dozens of her videos and felt that she was not obsessed and was warm and compassionate and I knew she had helped thousands escape or avoid the cult. She even says she will talk to anybody in her videos.She was and is great and was very , very nice and talked to me about her life and a lot of other stuff and I felt safe with her.She told me about ESMB and made it sound safe.

I was hesitant at first and started reading posts and realized you guys really are - for the most part - NOT Scientologists and freely criticize Hubbard and the tech and DM !
I continue my research and post ideas and theories and get a lot of great feedback and suggestions that prompt further research !

I have to get used to people being allowed to disagree and have " other ideas " as this is very new to me.I am used to an authority , like Hubbard , DM or a senior saying this is how it is and everybody complying , or at least not daring to disagree openly.

A new day has dawned . I still have a LOT more to learn as just a few hundred hours of study on cults , hypnotism , mind control , persuasion , propaganda , and other related topics has just barely got me into the game I intend to play.But that is a story that is yet to be written .I am very glad to be here and know I have a lot more to do both for my own recovery and to help any others that I can .

I have not yet begun to fight. Everything up to now has just been a warm up. Thank you to everyone who has helped me and thank you for reading this

This is dedicated to my wife

Mockingbird

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stuff at ESMB
http://www.forum.exscn.net/showthrea...390#post989390