What can I do to help get my son out of a cult?

 If you have a person you care about in a cult there are a few things I should tell you right away.

First, if you want to be able to help this person the first thing that I should tell you is that many of the things that people instictively do are completely unsuccessful and bar the road to helping the person in the future.

The first thing many people do is tell the the person they are in a cult, they are stupid, they are wrong, they have been duped, they are gullible, they are wrong. This is the absolutely worst thing you can do. The experience of many thousands of people has proven this.

It results in the person doubling down and defending their choices even more and shutting out the loved one, in this case YOU. Cults are designed to make members shun outsiders and they use this to have the members reject their loved ones who don't join the cult.

The best resource that you have with someone who you care for that is in a cult is your relationship. Don't harm it or take it for granted.

You have to be open to the person and let them know you are available for them. If practical and possible you can offer them a place to stay and material support for them if they ever need it. You don't have to say anything negative about their current choices. You can mention a different person who in a completely different situation needed support and the fact that you are devoted to your son and will always be there for him, whether he ended up needing or wanting support.

I can't emphasize enough that this has to include no condemnation or even negative implications regarding the cult or the choices of your son. The use of a different example, like a person who loses their home in a fire or gets laid off in a mass layoff, both examples that contain no blame whatsoever, will work for some people. You have to use your own knowledge and best judgement.

If you simply said, “Look, I have something I want to tell you. I heard of a person who lost their job/home etc. and their family members helped them to survive and I felt a strong desire to let you know that I was compelled to tell you that I would be there for you if there was ever a circumstance from whatever origin, that left you in need, I would want you to know that I will always be available for you. You may never be in that position, many people never are, or you may be, many people are through no fault of their own and either way I just want you to know this. I may be overreacting to something that has nothing to do with you, but I just had to tell you.” Something like that would work for some people. It won't work for all.

In her book Terror, Love and Brainwashing, Alexandra Stein described “escape hatch relationships” that cult members can use to escape cults. These are relationships with trust, hopefully some love, and they are not dependent on approval from the cult.

Cults are designed to severe these relationships, so you have to be very careful to not play into traps they set for members.

So, the first two things are don't condemn the cult or the choice in any way. If the person is really in a cultic relationship, then criticism of the cult or choice is almost always guaranteed to fail and make things worse, possibly permanently. You don't want that.

Second, keep the relationship in the best shape you can and as a minimum let your son know you care, in a way that's appropriate for that relationship, and let him know you are available for him, that to the degree you can you will support him emotionally and if possible materially.

You have the job of keeping in regular contact and with a cult it is difficult as cults usually convince members that the only activities worth pursuing are ones that directly benefit the cult.

If you can't get frequent contact and only get it rarely then you have to do your best to persuade those son that you love him, that nothing will change that, and that if he ever left the cult or needed your support you would undoubtedly both be there for him and never condemn his actions, even if he regretted them.

If the relationship has already been harmed by any if the behavior I advised against then you have a tougher job. If he won't communicate with you then it's even tougher.

No matter what position you are in the third thing that I have to tell you is that I believe you have a decision to make. I recommend taking on the subject of cultic studies as a serious student and making a thorough study of it and make being educated in it a high priority.

This is not something I say lightly or that can be taken on lightly. Cultic studies involves a lot of work. I have read over fifty books, probably a couple hundred articles on cults and exchanged over a hundred emails with cult experts as well as studied psychology, sociology, propaganda, hypnosis, rhetoric, critical thinking, and several other subjects to understand cults.

I think that when a person is in your position if they really want to be able to understand and help a family member who is in a cult, they have to be willing to frankly put in hundreds of hours of work to understand cults. There is no substitute for that. It is a requisite in my opinion.

You may have success without it, but if you put in the work in my opinion your chances are far better.

I have a post online with a list of the books I read in the first few years after leaving Scientology. Several more have been added over time.

https://mbnest.blogspot.com/2019/04/my-road-out-of-scientology.html

My Road Out of Scientology

I should also mention that there are several top cult experts who have helped people to leave cults. You may have heard of them.

People like Jon Atack, Steven Hassan, Daniel Shaw, Rick Alan Ross, Alexandra Stein, Janja Lalich and several others have devoted decades to helping people to leave cults. Many of them have websites, Facebook pages and YouTube channels. You can contact them and ask for advice and help.

I have over five hundred posts at Mockingbird's Nest blog on Scientology and many address leaving a cult.

Here is a link to the blog archive by topic.

http://mbnest.blogspot.com/2020/07/blog-archive-by-topic.html?m=0

Hopefully, this has information that can help you.