How do narcissists brainwash their spouses and children?

 

How do narcissists brainwash their spouses and children?

This is very important question. Human predators are variously described as sociopaths, narcissists, and psychopaths as well as malignant narcissists and other terms. I use the term human predators because the literature on many of the other terms is not settled.

One psychologist's narcissist is a sociopath to another. In any case we are referring to the people who habitually harm people and either have no compassion and empathy or so little it does not noticeably influence their behavior.

The methods that human predators use to influence people involve the psychology of the predator, who may, for example, try to confuse people with contradictions, deception, overwhelming experiences.

Overwhelming experience can include a lot of information, a lot of emotion-laden stimuli, actual traumatization of the people that the predator wants to control, things like fear, terror, threats, threats to loved ones, threats to the survival and dignity of the people the predator wants to control, and many other forms.

The essence of understanding the methods is knowing what the tendencies of human predators are regarding their pathology, the psychology of the tendencies that their personalities have as predators - in other words the behavior they are prompted to do as predators, just as exceptionally kind and generous people are prompted to be considerate and empathic based on their personalities so to in my opinion are predators strongly predisposed to the predatory behavior they display. In other words their own nature is guiding them, though like most of us they assume they choose their behavior and come up with explanations for their behavior, often these explanations have no relationship with truth.

Just as a kind and generous person may see good in people and be wrong occasionally, they may simply be overly optimistic some of the time, sometimes they are correct and see a good quality that really exists in a person, the predator may see bad qualities in others that simply are not there or they may exaggerate real flaws to justify their feelings and behavior.

Another component in the interaction is the psychology of the victim. The people that predators try to control have psychological vulnerabilities that are part of human nature. They are not especially vulnerable or stupid or weak or anything else negative.

If you saw a person get shot with a gun you wouldn't see them as especially vulnerable to bullets! But with predators we tend to blame the victims, unfairly. This is explained very well in my opinion in the book Shattered Assumptions.

Shattered Assumptions theory in my opinion adequately explains much of human behavior. It has the idea that we usually have certain assumptions about ourselves and the world. By assuming that the world is just, we are loved and worthy of love, the world is benevolent and so on we have a group of ideas intended to give life meaning and a degree of justice and safety.

When we admit that people can be harmed through no fault of their own we go against these assumptions and these assumptions are crucial to make life seem fair, controllable and safe.

After all, if you can make smart or ethical choices and avoid harm then it is in your control and fair, to a degree. But, It simply is not true.

Blaming your self for harm or upset caused by a predator is actually a tool predators use, frequently. They know almost instictively to use this.

We have several things to consider to understand the dynamics of the situation. We need to learn the tendencies and methods of the predators, which are often determined by the psychology of being a predator. We also have to understand the vulnerability of the victim, the regular vulnerability that human beings have through no fault of their own. We need to understand the dance of the predator and the victim, the moves one will make and the reactions the other will take. They can go back and forth and we can see these are predictable and repetitive patterns.

These three factors of the psychology and behavior of the predator, the vulnerabilities of the victim, and the way these interact are the foundation for understanding human predators. We can include other factors such as the culture they are in, the way that others in fields like law enforcement and the government and teachers in schools and authorities and peers interact as relevant as well.

If you are, for example, a woman, and you are subject to victimization by your boyfriend or husband unfortunately in many cultures that is a tremendous disadvantage. Often woman who are abused, battered and even raped by male partners are treated as the property of the partner. If they seek help often they are told to obey their partner and they are not helped. If they try to flee they are not helped. If they act to defend themselves and their children and kill their abusive partner they are often convicted and sentenced to long prison terms with the reality that they were ignored and abandoned by the system to face endless abuse, even assault and rape, if they stayed. Some to a male partner threatens the life of a woman and her children, the authorities (even if told) ignore this and the woman is left to endure endless unlimited harm or fight back to protect herself and her children and face the legal penalty reserved for a murderer.

To go over the dynamics of human predators and their victims at length and how they interact would take several volumes.

I can recommend several books that describe aspects of this.

Shattered Assumptions is certainly a must. Take Back Your Life is as well. Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman is superb.

The books Terror, Love and Brainwashing by Alexandra Stein describes the relationship between a cult leader and the followers. Traumatic Narcissism by Daniel Shaw gives a close examination of the relationship and roles both abuser and abused.

Bill Eddy has written several books including 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life and Why We Elect Narcissists and Sociopaths! And How We Can Stop! He covers the types of human predators around and the social problems that exist in our culture which is not well built regarding dealing with them.